“We’ve got to get, get grease to sober up!”

After an extensive night of drinking, I like to fill my stomach with a lot of food. Most of which has catastrophic effects on my gaunt figure. I find that nothing screams “eat me” like pizza, that is other than Floyd’s mom, so I always have to grab a slice or two after going to the bars.

A couple of weeks ago I was waiting in line for my pizza, and as I was looking around I noticed the girl behind me. She was attractive, and my lack of inhibitions underhanded me an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I gave her the down up and said “I like your skirt. It’s very revealing.” She did the same to me and retorted, “I like your shoes. They remind me of the kind my dad would wear when he used to drop me off at school.”

I exploded. I’ve never been in the presence of a girl with wit like that before, so I was immediately attracted to her, tenfold. She burned me better than any girl’s burned me before, and I was excited to be around this firecracker. I wish I remembered her name, ’cause I was stoked with her sense of humor. She tore me a new one, and I laughed like you couldn’t even imagine. I wish more girls were like her, ’cause other than this girl and Tina Fey, I’ve yet to be really impressed.

I’ve Got The Skills That Pay The Bills

I enjoy moments when I’m proud of something. Be it a friend graduating, or me totally owning somebody in a link match game of Halo. Being proud is just a good feeling. Yesterday I was driving to school listening to some Goldfinger, and I was a little concerned that I wouldn’t find a good spot to park, but in the afternoon it’s rarely the case that you get shafted doing this. Trying to find a spot to park, that is. Not people doing it, ’cause I know that that has to be happening. Why would Starland Vocal Band have written “Afternoon Delight” if that wasn’t the case? Exactly. People do it all the time.

So, I cruise into the parking lot at the top of the University and I am on a quest to find the perfect slot (hahaha). I jack a left, and I find a suitable space to put my vehicle. I slide it in nice and easy, put it in park, pull the e-brake, and shut off the engine. “Nice,” I think to myself as I grab my book satchel and open the door to step out.

Upon getting out of the car I notice that I parked perfectly parallel within the painted lines. “Holy shit,” I thought, and decided to investigate my park job. I floated around the car for a couple of minutes and stared at the perfection that was a result of my parking skills. Everything was equidistant from the painted lines, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was truly spectacular. If my first born child is half as beautiful as my parking job was yesterday, I’ll be one happy bastard.