Archive for August, 2008

Heidi Klum Vs. One Million Average Moms

August 30, 2008

When I was a young man of about 10 years old I looked forward to a certain mail delivery that came once every year. That mail delivery happened to be the Sears Wishbook. This book was filled with wonderful and exciting new toys that I wanted, and because this magazine arrived in August, I had a little over four months to ponder what I wanted for Christmas. I can still remember looking at all of the new video games with sparkling eyes and a gaping, incredulous mouth. Gosh, I miss that a lot. Aside from the toys, though, there was something else about this book that was as equally exciting: The women’s underwear section.

Don’t lie fellahs, I know you’ve probably leafed through those pages a few times in your days, and I don’t judge. I’ve done it, and I’ve loved it. When I’d see the book lying on my kitchen counter, I’d steal it like a rat and hide somewhere in my house where I could take a peek at what I thought I was a badass for looking at. Aside from the Sports Illustrated 1998 Swimsuit Edition with Heidi Klum, the Sears Wishbook was my best bet for looking at ladies in their skivvies.

Last friday I came home from work to discover the Wishbook on my front steps. I was ecstatic. I clutched it in one hand and beefed up the stairs to where I’d be able to enjoy the Wishbook and an A.C. Slater at the same time. I layed down the Wishbook and opened it like it was the briefcase from Pulp Fiction, and was eager to see what Sears had in store this year. I flipped to the infamous undies section and my spirits just about dropped into the bowl below me as I came to a life changing realization being that these women weren’t nearly as sexy as I remembered them being.

I was repulsed. There was nothing young about them in any aspect. I’m shuddering at my keyboard typing this right now. I’m ashamed and I implore that if you once enjoyed this book as a Transformer-loving child, do not look at it this year. It’ll shatter your memories and leave you as a jaded, bitter bastard like myself. Wow, that was dark. I think I’m going to go get some chips and eat my pain away.

Boner Jams ‘08

August 16, 2008

Hey everybody. I’d like to give you all a gift. Well, one you’ll have to buy or steal yourself. Just let me explain. I’m going to write a little review of my summer playlist of 2008. I love music. It drives me. So, I’d like the music I love to drive you too.

In 2003 I discovered a band called Alkaline Trio. They were this emo band with cool, dark lyrics that I was stoked with. Matt Skiba and Dan Andriano complemented one another with their voices. Matt’s voice was a little vicious, and Dan was more of a crooner than anything. This year they released Agony & Irony, and there’s one track that always makes me happy. It’s called Love Love, Kiss Kiss. It’s awesome. Dan’s singing will make you smile, and Matt’s soaring background vocals will give you goose bumps. I figure if I could write a bad boy like that I’d have ladies flocking to me. More so than they already are. Listen and it’ll make sense.

In grade 7 when I first played Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater on the Nintendo 64, the first song on the playlist was called Superman, and it was by a band called Goldfinger. This was my first taste of the doings of John Feldmann, who I’ve since become infatuated with (his music and production, that is). Anyway, Goldfinger is one of my favorite bands, and this year they put out an album called Hello Destiny, which I love. Anyway, there’s one song called If I’m Not Right and I believe that this song is a guarantee to put anybody into a good mood. It’s impossible not to smile while listening. John’s voice sounds flawless, and the horn section is one of the reasons I love John’s band.

Sometimes when I’m tired in the morning I like to play music that really wakes me up, and encourages me to take the day by its horns and ride it until the sun goes down. There’s one song in particular that does this for me: Call To Arms by Angels & Airwaves. Sure, Tom’s lyrics are out there, but that doesn’t take away from the anthemic quality of the song. My favorite part is the bridge, around the 4 minute mark, ’cause Tom does this thing where he yells part of the chorus and it’s so harmonious that it gives me the chills every time I listen to the song. Also, try cruising down the highway as fast as you can (preferably towards the sunset), with the windows down and the music at capacity. You’ll get the full experience. In the words of Rivers Cuomo, “If you don’t like it, you can shove it. But you don’t like it, you love it.” And, if this song doesn’t make you want to march around in your underwear, then I guess you’ll never get to experience such a pleasure.

Last fall I was watching the Seth Rogen episode of SNL and there was a band called Spoon who was set to perform. Little did I know that Spoon would be so good that I’d buy their album Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga almost nine months later. It wasn’t that it took me that long to buy it, it’s that I forgot about their performance and that I saw them again on a rerun and remembered how good they were. Yeah, so, Spoon sounded great and one song, The Underdog, was the little beast that hooked me. This song has horn sections, handclaps, and acoustic guitars. Delish. What more could you want?

If there’s one exceptionally rad thing about Rock Band it’s that it’s got Welcome Home by Coheed & Cambria. Huge guitars and gang vocals are the perfect ingredients for a night of drinking in your friend’s basement. Trust me, I’d know.

Perhaps one of my favorite bands out there right now, The Matches of Oakland, California, know how to write superlative music. This is one band where no two songs on any of their records sound the same. If you were to buy any of these songs or albums I’ve discussed here, I think that A Band In Hope is the one you should own. It’s perfect. The opener, AM Tilts, is beautiful. The lyrics and guitars do something to me that not very many bands can. I’m not sure what it is, but that’s why this song is so magical.

Another thing I like about music is how it sometimes makes you feel warm inside, and in the case of Bloc Party’s I Still Remember that is exactly what happens. The guitar riffs soar, and the rhythm is perfectly suited. Bloc Party is without a doubt my favorite musical export out of the United Kingdom, and I’m stoked that they’re coming to my hometown in a little less than a month. I Still Remember is very atmospheric in tone, and although Kele’s lyrics may be about a guy, this is still a timeless love song.

Remember Mr. Feldmann? Well, he produced this song, and the record it’s found on. The song: Navigate Me. The Band: Cute Is What We Aim For. This song just sounds awesome. It’s about doin’ the sex, and that’s why I love it.

This song doesn’t rhyme at all during the verses, but the lyrics are so much fun that it doesn’t even matter. Justin Pierre is one of the best lyricists in the alternative music scene right now, and I think he’s a genius. Just take a look at his hairMotion City Soundtrack is an excellent band that everybody should know about. Commit This To Memory is one of my all time favorite records and I think you should give Motion City Soundtrack a chance. So, the song is called Antonia, and it’s one of catchiest tracks on the record, Even If It Kills Me. If one band can mention Indiana Jones and Annie Hall in the same song, it’s Motion City Soundtrack.

I’ll make this an even 10, so this is my last choice. I loved this song last summer, and this summer is no exception. The song is called Woe, and the man behind the music is Max Bemis of Say Anything. Max is truly a virtuoso, and I feel privileged to be listening to his music. This song kicks a million asses, and if you don’t think it’s catchy you’ve got something seriously wrong with your ears.

 That’s it everyone. Happy listening.

Well Done, Mr. Rogen.

August 7, 2008

I just saw Pineapple Express last night and it was hilarious. I loved every minute of it. There wasn’t much hype surrounding the movie, and after seeing it, I’m kind of stoked that there wasn’t. This movie didn’t need hype, for anything Seth Rogen touches turns into some sort of comedic gold (…I think I’ve said that somewhere before). I’m not going to give any of the jokes away, but all I want you to know is that Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow are some of the funniest guys out there. They should be writing more films together, and I’m stoked that they (Evan and Seth) are writing The Green Hornet. That should be a blasty-blast!

Anyway, I think it should be noted that James Franco is a phenomenal actor. I’m sure you’ve seen Mr. Franco in serious roles, but unless you’re acquainted with Freaks And Geeks, I think you should check out Pineapple Express to see how funny he is. 

The movie is truly hilarious, and they didn’t rely too much on stoner humour which I found refreshing. Bill Hader is in it too, so it has to be good, right? There’s plenty of action and dialogue that will make you laugh harder than anything else you’ll see this summer. However, I’ve yet to see Step Brothers, so that statement is a little aggressive, admittedly. I just implore that you see Pineapple Express, you’ll dig it, I swear.

I Wished I Could Have Done This For Star Wars…

August 2, 2008

Do you remember how I said that I met Bill Hader? Well, Mr. Hader has a new mini series on YouTube, and it’s hilarious. I’ve read that Bill co-wrote these, and I can’t wait to see the others. Even Joe Lo Truglio of Superbad fame stars in the series too. It’s all gold.

1,300 Glorious Calories

August 1, 2008

Have you ever bought a bag of chips and been disappointed ’cause the chips weren’t very flavorful? Well, I have. But today, however, was an exception. I bought a bag of Doritos Collisions and I’m stoked because this was the best bag of Collisions I’ve had yet. Why? Well, have you ever dunked your hand into the bag and pulled out a chip that was just smothered with seasonings and such? You’d know, ’cause these chips are much bolder in appearance, and you’re usually lucky if you can get 3 in a bag. This is why I’m happy. I’ve pulled out more than 3 extra tasty chips. I’m not only excited about this, but I’m proud too. I just thought I’d share this. Are you hungry? Well, if you are, I think you should go out and buy some Doritos. I’ve loved Doritos my whole life. See that kid in the blue below? That’s me in 2004, and that belly is brought to you by excessive amounts of chips and a severe lack of exercise. Haha, maybe I should’ve cut back on the salty treats.