It’s Ok, I Still Like You Marky Mark.

I saw The Happening yesterday, and I need to vent. Don’t read this if you don’t want me to reveal the spoilers, ’cause I’m going to. The movie is about plants making people “eliminate” themselves. That’s stupid. I dug The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, and The Lady In The Water had potential, but The Happening was a disaster. Ghosts, aliens, monsters, mermaids and now plants? Seriously? What could his next film be about? I can’t even fathom a possibility. But you know what those other films have in common that M. Night’s latest masterpiece didn’t? 1) A huge twist b) An awesome ending, d) And great actors. The Happening falls short on the majority of these.

The twist here was that the plants were responsible for the deaths, but the audience learns this in the first half hour of the film. The ending was cliché and boring. I was really bummed out because of it. The actors were decent, but I had problems with the casting. Mark Wahlberg is a bad ass, but he wasn’t in this film. He was a school teacher, and Marky Mark wasn’t really convincing in that role. I loved his work in The Departed and Shooter, but he wasn’t great in The Happening. Somebody like Zach Braff would have done a much better job. I was pretty stoked that John Leguizamo was in the flick though, even though he wasn’t funny in this case. So, the actors were alright, but there are others that would have been more appropriate for the roles than the ones who were actually casted.

The Happening was Nightie’s first R-rated film, and I thought he’d take advantage of this given the premise of the film, but he didn’t. All of the cool parts are given away in the trailer. This movie could have been awesome if it were gorier, but it wasn’t, so it’s not. I enjoyed parts of the movie, but I think the quality of films Shymiarrhea is making are slowly getting worse, so I think that it would be more appropriate for him to be writing Goosebumps with R.L. Stine than making movies where Marky Mark plays a schoolboy-bitch.

A Deuce For A Double Digest

I love Archie comics. The predictable plots and soothing colours always make for a good time. There are days when I wish my life was as easy as Archie’s, for I’d be getting so much lovin’ I’d have the high five in minutes. That would be glorious. Everything in Archie Andrew’s life is so simple. He’s a little tardy when it comes to school, but who cares, right? Sure, Mr. Weatherbee is a bit of a goon, but we all know he secretly thinks Archie is the man. As much as I think Archie is awesome, there’s only a certain time of day I can enjoy his shenanigans, and that’s when I’m on the throne. 

Yeah, that’s a little forward, but I’m not going to apologize. You’re here for the ride, and a ride you’ll get. I dig Archie comics when I’m taking a little time for myself. You’ll never have a more relaxing session than when you’re taking a glance into the life of Archie, or any of his friends. There’s not much else to say, but you won’t regret investing in a Double Digest the next time you’re at the grocery store. They’re about five dollars, and they’re worth every penny. Learn something from Archie. If I was to apply anything I’ve learned from Archie Andrews to my real life the world would be in utter chaos. All the guys would be like “Hey, dude! Aren’t you that guy who gets every lady he desires?” I’d curtly respond, “Pff, yeah, I am.” It wouldn’t even seem rude ’cause people would be so stoked to see me. That would be a lot of pressure though. You know, being the coolest guy in school and all. I mean, I’m pretty cool, but I’m no red-headed rooster like Archie is. That’s not a dig at his hair colour, I just think it sounds hilarious.

“Lieutenant Dan, Ice Cream!”

June is arguably one of the hottest months of the year. December has nothing on June. June is like December’s hotter, older brother who everybody likes, and December is a loner who likes playing his Nintendo 64 in the basement all day. Whatever, that’s not the point. What I want to talk about is ice cream. “Ice cream? Why does he want to talk about ice cream? It’s clearly one of the most delectable treats of all time,” you might think, and I might agree to some extent, but there’s more to ice cream than a lot of people realize. 

On a hot June day, such as this, you might be outside on the hot tar and ponder to yourself: “It’s too hot to be alive right now. I need something cool, or I’m going to slap somebody’s face.” The first cool thing that would come to most people’s minds is ice cream, and I don’t believe this should ever be the case. I think popsicles are far superior to ice cream on all accounts. A popsicle comes on a stick, so you can maneuver it into your mouth any way you like (that’s what she said). The same cannot be said about ice cream, for ice cream cannot be held upside down in a cone. Have you ever had two scoops of Rolo, and wanted to flip it upside down for fun, but couldn’t ’cause it would fall on the floor? I have, and to appease people like myself, Nestle came up with this. Sure, you can hold it upside down, but it’s just not the same as a scoop.

Popsicles and ice cream are neck and neck in the race for flavors. In this day and age one could pretty much find any flavor one desired, so I have no comment here other than the fact that ice cream falls behind a bit because ice cream always tastes like milk. I like milk, but too much dairy is just bizarre and unhealthy. Cheese is the best dairy product, ’cause it can go on nachos. But cheese is not ice cream, the inferior dairy product.

Also, after you finish your cone, or bowl of this dairy monstrosity, you’re left with a gross aftertaste. I’m a big fan of oral hygiene, so this does not bode well with me. Now you may be thinking “Hold your horses, Jeeves! Doesn’t a popsicle leave your teeth all sugary and your tongue colored?” And then I’d answer “Yeah, and it tastes so much better!” That’s really what it comes down to: the taste. The sweet, glorious aftertaste of a popsicle. Take this for instance: You and your friends just rented a sweet new movie, and got snacks to make the experience that much more enjoyable. You’re friends all get ice cream, but you choose a popsicle instead. On the drive home, you’re startled by an exclamation from the back seat: “Oh, excrement! I just dropped my ice cream on your brother’s rollerblades!” You chuckle to yourself and think “Haha, idiot.” All the while, you’ve got a perfect grip on the popsicle of your desire. 

I’ll admit that I think ice cream is a delicious treat from time to time, but I remain convinced that popsicles are without a doubt much better. While you’re crying over spilled milk, I’ll be sucking it upside down (…I don’t even need to say it).

If Only I Were Ray Palmer

I hate the June Bug. They’re loud when they fly, and they can get stuck in your hair. This has yet to happen to me, but I’ve heard war stories about June Bugs. When I was in the eighth grade, my teacher told us a story about how she was getting out of her car one night to walk into her apartment building and she heard a plethora of buzzing. That buzzing turned out to be June Bugs, and some of them got caught in her mane. As she told this story, I laughed like a hyena. I never would have thought that this could happen to me, but oh boy, was I in for a surprise!

That very night I went to see Pearl Harbor with my dad and my brother, and I thought it was an excellent film. Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett were bringin’ the heat and takin’ down Zeroes like it was nobody’s business. I was stoked. After the movie had finished, we went home and my dad asked me to help him put the cover on the pool. I was walking out onto my deck when I saw them: June Bugs. Everywhere. It was like Pearl Harbor all over again. I was being dive-bombed by these incessant pests, and I was not having a good time. In fact, I was freaking out. Don’t you hate it when a mosquito flies by or into your ear? You know that horrible sound they make? Well, the June Bug is a loud bug, and they’re even more unpleasant in close proximity to your head. My dad chastised me for acting like a poltroon and made me cover the pool anyway. I pouted for the rest of the evening. 

Since that fateful night by my pool I’ve always hated June Bugs. They’re loud and awful. Even though they still have yet to be caught in my hair I try to make that opportunity as small as possible by running everywhere when I’m out at night in the month of June. If I’m running, they can’t get me, and that in turn makes me happy. If I could shrink like The Atom I’d jump onto as many June Bug’s backs as I could and scream into their ears (that is, if they have them) and pull at whatever I could to see how they’d like it.

I Am An Ignoramus

Have you ever had something embarrassing happen to you, but the thing that embarrassed you happened unbeknownst to you at the time? That happened to me today. This afternoon I went around the city to drop off my résumé at a couple of places. The Summer is here and I need money. So, I walked around the mall and distributed what I believe was an invitation for greatness, and then I left.

I was having a great day. The sun was out, the birds were singing merrily, and I figured I’d treat myself to some chocolate milk and Red Bull. I then went home and listened to some jams on my computer. The afternoon came to a climax when I realized something. I was walking towards my bathroom and my shorts felt especially breezy on this particular occasion. “Weird,” I thought. I flicked on the bathroom lights and examined myself in the mirror, and when I turned my body I found the source of ventilation.

There was a 12 inch rip from my belt-loop down the right leg of my shorts. I froze in horror. I had been walking around all day in a mall with this massive gash revealing my tush. I retraced my steps and was flooded with humiliation. I had (and still have) no idea how that rip even came to be. It’s a good thing I was wearing boxers, or the mall would have been treated to a great view of my butt flaps. As soon as I came to terms with what had happened I called my Mom and she thought my predicament was hilarious. I think what happened was funny, but at the same time I can’t believe I was so exposed without realizing it. If anybody saw, you’re welcome.