I Am Legend… No, you’re not.

I just got back from seeing Will Smith’s latest movie, I Am Legend, and I have mixed feelings. According to some of my sources, I Am Legend debuted at $76.5 million, which was the biggest December opening in recent years. IAL also beat out Lord of The Rings: Return of The King which is mildly startling, for Legend wouldn’t appear to warrant such a huge opening. Put on your plastic aprons and goggles, for I’m about to tear the insides out of this son of a bitch.

Will Smith may hold a place in your heart as a fresh prince of Bel Air, or even a man in black, but this movie might make you wince, for I Am Legend is not exactly a pretty picture. First of all, Legend is based on a book of which I’ll never read, and this is sort of sad, for the book was probably really good, but the cinematic delivery was as bad as getting at diarrhea at school. The movie’s concept was cool, but it was too bland. The story line was just like a skeleton. There wasn’t anything more. The movie is about a cure for cancer that somehow reversed, and in turn, turned everybody, but a select few who were immune, into zombies, essentially. What chaps my ass is that it isn’t explained how this “virus” got out of control, and I felt left in the dark. Not only left in the dark, but left in a hedge maze in the middle of the night with no tangible escape.

I loved the first chunk of this film, for I was really into the spooky atmosphere, but that whole notion evaporated as I saw the zombies, or what have you. In a movie with a budget as big as Legend had, the zombie-esque characters were bush league. The zombies looked so fake it was almost unbearable to watch. I don’t want to give away the ending if you’re planning on seeing this, but let me tell you that it’s cliché and unsatisfying. I’d never pay to see this film again, and I feel bad for Will Smith attaching his name to this monstrosity.

The day I met Dan Aykroyd

Last night, as I was paying for my beer at the liquor store, a poster caught my eye. It said that Dan Aykroyd was coming to the very liquor store I was standing in, and this made me happy. As a young man, I loved watching The Great Outdoors, and the notion of meeting Dan Aykroyd was almost unfathomable. Every year on the drive to summer camp I’d watch The Great Outdoors, and it’d excite me, for I would aspire to have as much fun as John Candy and Dan did. Anyway, I saw this poster, and I decided that I had to meet Dan.

Today I woke up, and scoured to find all of my Dan Aykroyd movies. Today would be the day I got to meet a man who’s not only starred in some of my favourite films, but actually knew, and was friends with John Candy. This would be a day that would go down in the history of Alex. My friend Greg came to pick me up, and we headed to the mall first, so I could buy the double feature gift set of Ghost Busters. I got the dvd, and we set sail for the liquor store.

It was pandemonium. I had never seen the likes of it before. People here really dig Dan Aykroyd. I went inside the store, and got in a line that would take 2 and half hours for me to go through. Dan was set up in the middle of the store, and he was swimming, so to speak, in a sea of euphoria. I was so excited, I could barely contain myself. As the line went along, I got more anxious. I was going to meet Dan Aykroyd. 

When I finally made it to the end of the line and was staring at the man who would make my day, I let it all out: “Hello Mr. Aykroyd!” 

“Well, somebody seems to be full of the Christmas spirit,” he replied.

I was so excited my hands were shaking like John Miller’s from Saving Private Ryan. I told him that finally getting to meet him was like waiting for a ride at Disney, and finally getting to go on it, and he said something to the extent of “I sure hope that the wait was worth it,” and I very happily told him it was indeed. But I didn’t say “indeed,” ’cause he’d probably think I was a dink if I did. I introduced myself and asked him if I could shake his hand, as I gave him my dvds, and he let me. I got to touch Dan Aykroyd, and it was unreal. As Dan signed my dvds and wine bottles I asked him if it would be possible if I could go behind the counter and get a picture with him, and he let me. I felt like I was going backstage at a concert or something, but it was way cooler than I could ever have imagined. After I got my picture I said “I have one last question for you,” and he said “What’s that?” I asked, “What was John Candy like?” He paused for a second, and then praised him. I can’t recall his exact words, but I was elated, for he said something along the lines of John being one of the greatest people he had ever known. I gathered my memorabilia and thanked him. As I paid for my wine I was essentially shell-shocked. I had just met Dan Aykroyd, and it turned out that he was one of the coolest and nicest people I have ever met. Needless to say, today was amazing, and Dan Aykroyd is one of my new favourite people.

Sophia Bush, you should’ve stuck with One Tree Hill

I used to review movies for fun, and as I was going through some of which that were never published, I thought that I should give you a small gift. This is a review I did for the movie The Hitcher, which is in fact the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

I’ve watched many movies in my day, and have seen my fair share of bad flicks, but “The Hitcher” is without a doubt one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The very first shot of a terribly animated jackrabbit getting annihilated by a truck should’ve been a warning sign of the cinematic catastrophe that was about to take place.

The one thing I liked about this movie was that it spared no time whatsoever. The movie kicked into gear really quickly, and that was good for a horror/suspense movie, because the audience wants action, and they want it fast. Then again, the movie itself was one of the shortest horror movies I’ve ever seen. Clocking in at about an hour and twenty minutes, “The Hitcher” doesn’t leave the audience wanting more, it leaves the audience with their face in their hands wanting their last hour and twenty minutes back.

When I watch a horror/suspense movie, there are certain things I need to have happen, and “The Hitcher” did none of them. First off, the antagonist in this movie was named John Rider. Is it a coincidence that his last name is Rider and he’s a hitch hiker? Probably not. Wow, that’s lame on its own. Anyway, Rider is one of the worst villains I’ve ever seen. Why? Well, where do I begin? First of all, he’s a hitchhiking murderer, and that’s not cool at all. He’s not even the guy who picks people up in a stereotypically black car to murder them, Rider gets picked up, and then he kills people. Second of all, usually in a horror movie the villain has some sort of motive to kill people, but that simply isn’t the case in “The Hitcher.” John Rider is just an asshole.

What really made me mad was that this Rider jerk was always five steps ahead of everyone. For a while, the movie deceived me, and I thought that Rider was clever, but the movie ended in a horrible mess. Basically, for most of the movie, the two main characters are just running away from the police because the police are convinced that these two murdered the “Hitcher’s” victims. Truth be told, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was lead to believe at first that Rider was just a corrupted cop who wanted to let out some steam by taking lives, but in all actuality, he was just a prick.

Know what the two biggest disappointments were though? First, Sean Bean, who played John Rider used to be one of the coolest villains ever. For those of you who don’t know, Bean acted as Alec Trevelyan in “GoldenEye,” and as an impressionable fat kid with a mushroom cut, he glimmered like gold in my eyes. Everything about him was cool, he had guns, and was an unstoppable menace. So, when this knowledge came to me, it cut my veil of ignorance down the middle and blinded me with the horrible truth that Sean Bean wasn’t as cool as he used to be in 1996.

You know what else stunk? Usually in horror movies you get to see boobs, or some other delicious nudity, but not in this movie. Sure, there’s a shower scene with Sophia Bush, but there are strategically placed arms so that the guys hoping for a redeeming scene are once again snubbed.

The writing in this movie was poor, and the acting was fair at best. Don’t see this movie, ever. I implore that you don’t. If you choose to watch it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’d rather "Superman" a Ho

Earlier this year I went to Dominican Republic after school ended, as a euphoric bridge from school to something even worse; work. In order to get to this third-world island of glory, I had to get a shot, so I wouldn’t get any of the diseases that Punta Cana offered Canadian folk like myself. When I went in to get my first shot, the doctor told my dad, brother, and I that we would have to come back four months later to get one more shot. Well, the time passed, we got the reminder in the mail, but we ignored it.

I started to get antsy, thinking that if we waited longer, I could get sick or something when I finally got the shot, so I asked my dad to book an appointment. He said, “Don’t worry about it, Al. I’ll take care of it.” So, a few days later I asked him again as he was driving me home from school, and he said it was taken care of. I asked when were supposed to go in, and he said “The 21st, at 10:00a.m.” I fell silent, for I was furious. The 21st is my birthday, and the very idea of me waking up for the ungodly hour of 10:00a.m. on my birthday to have a needle inject dead disease cells into my body was enough to drive me over the edge emotionally. I also turn 20 this year, and I’m having a quarter-life crisis as a result. Tossing needles into the mix makes things that much better… How could a birthday start any worse? Maybe he should book me an enema too, I hear they’re a real hoot and a holler.

Hoth Is Just Past My Windowpanes

Last night I was up until about 2 a.m. writing a term paper, so when I fell asleep I had a little more thanJ 4 hours, and if you’re body is as nice as mine, you’d know that I need a lot of sleep. So, as I experienced a plethora of whimsical dreams, I was awaken rudely by my clock radio. Yeah, I said clock radio. ‘Cause when you think about it, it isn’t really an alarm, it’s a radio that’s designed to piss you off. The device is capable of the alarm sound, but I hate that sound more than I hate the fact that I can’t buy vanilla coke anymore. But that’s neither here nor there. Continuing…

The radio erupted, and I was sad. I didn’t want to go to school, for I was too tired. But as I shoved my face into my pillow, as if attempting to forget about my misery, one of my favourite radio personalities came on, and I was stiller than Dr. Alan Grant was in Jurassic Park when he was trying to evade the Tyrannosaurus. Ok, after writing that I realized how much I love and wish I had met a dinosaur in real life. But yeah, I heard the voice, and I started getting tingles and jingles, for it occurred to me that it had snowed all night. I wondered, “Could there be a snow day today? Surely they wouldn’t cancel university!” You might be chuckling, thinking “Oh, Alex, your naiveté is so cute. I’d just like to eat you up, like a tasty cupcake, or some other delicious confectionary.” But boy oh boy, was I ever wrong. School was cancelled. When I first heard this, I kicked all of the sheets off of my bed in a fit of joy. Then, much like a small child on Christmas day, I ran into my parents’ room to share the news and my elation. I felt like nothing could bring me down, so I went back to bed and savored my victory by going back to sleep, and let me tell you, it was magnificent.